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Why children blame themselves during separation, how to spot self-blame, and age-appropriate ways to reassure them
When a relationship ends, adults aren’t the only ones who feel heartbreak — children do too. Seeing a parent leave can feel personal for kids, leaving them confused, hurt, and blaming themselves.
“Is it my fault?” is a common, heartbreaking question. Self-blame is a heavy burden that can affect a child’s wellbeing if unaddressed.
In this article, we explore why children blame themselves during separation and how to recognise the signs. We give practical, age-appropriate strategies to reassure your child, explain the role both parents play, and note common mistakes to avoid.
In the South African context, we discuss legal and cultural sensitivities to help you support your child empathetically. This article provides general information. It does not constitute legal, psychological or medical advice and does not predict the outcome of an individual matter.
Where a child shows persistent distress, or where safety is a concern, professional support should be sought without delay.
Children blame themselves as they grow and try to understand the world. Seeing things their way is the first step to helping them.
Young children may sometimes use “magical” or egocentric thinking when they try to explain events they do not yet fully understand.
They may connect unrelated events and assume that something they said, thought or did caused an adult event such as separation.
For example, a child might remember being told off for leaving a messy room, then see a parent move out and think, “Daddy left because I was naughty.”
They don’t understand adult problems yet, so they use their own logic to fill in the blanks.
As children grow, their thinking becomes more complex. Older kids and teenagers may dwell on arguments they’ve overheard or their own behaviour, searching for reasons behind the separation.
An older child might think, “If I had done better in school, they wouldn’t have fought about my grades.” This misplaced responsibility is their way of making sense of a situation that feels chaotic and beyond their control.
Children rarely verbalise, “This is my fault.” Instead, their guilt often emerges subtly through their words and actions.
Listen for phrases that suggest they feel responsible. These are direct cries for reassurance.
Changes in behaviour can sometimes accompany distress or self-blame. Possible signs may include:
Your reassurance should be clear, consistent, and suited to your child’s understanding. Repeat the core message calmly, confidently, and often.
Young children struggle with abstract ideas. Use visuals to clarify. Draw two houses showing the child has a space in each. Children’s books about divorce can help normalise their experience and encourage conversation.
Where concerns need to be documented, keep brief, contemporaneous and factual notes of significant behaviour or spontaneous statements by the child.
Record the date, context and, where important, the child’s actual words. Avoid repeatedly questioning, coaching or prompting the child.
These notes may assist an appropriately qualified professional to understand patterns, but they are not a substitute for professional assessment and should not automatically be treated as proof of what occurred.
If both parents say, “This is not your fault,” it removes doubts. Inconsistent messages or silence can make the child see one parent as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, or think secrets are being kept. Consistent messaging builds trust and safety.
Even in high-conflict separations, agree on key messages. A simple shared statement like, “This is a grown-up decision, and we both love you,” makes a big difference. If possible, give this message together in a brief, calm talk.
Avoid criticising or blaming the other parent in front of the child. This creates a loyalty conflict and can cause emotional distress.
In South Africa, separation means understanding the legal and cultural context shaping a child’s experience.
The South African Constitution and Children’s Act 38 of 2005 put a child’s best interests first. Every decision — legal or emotional — should prioritise their wellbeing.
South African law uses care, contact, guardianship and parental responsibilities and rights instead of the older terms “custody” and “access”.
When a divorce involves a minor or dependent child of the marriage, section 6 of the Divorce Act requires the court to be satisfied that the provisions made or contemplated for the child’s welfare are satisfactory or are the best that can be effected in the circumstances.
Parents may use a parenting plan under sections 33 and 34 of the Children’s Act where appropriate. The Office of the Family Advocate may assist, mediate or investigate in processes where its involvement is legally appropriate.
A Family Advocate recommendation is important evidence but is not binding on the court.
A signed parenting plan is not the only way to satisfy the court’s child-welfare responsibility. The court must assess the arrangements made or contemplated in the circumstances of the particular child.
In many South African communities, family includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and elders. These caregivers influence how a child views separation. Share reassurance — “It’s not your fault” — with them, while respecting beliefs that may stigmatise divorce.
In some families, separations occur in customary marriages under the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act. Customary marriages are formal unions governed by the traditional laws and practices of a particular community.
A customary marriage may only be dissolved by a court by a decree of divorce. The Recognition of Customary Marriages Act nevertheless preserves the role recognised in customary law of persons, including traditional leaders, in mediating disputes or matters arising before the marriage is dissolved.
Any customary or family processes should therefore be distinguished from the legal dissolution of the marriage, while the child’s best interests remain central to decisions affecting the child.
The legal position differs between domestic and international relocation.
A parent does not automatically require another parent’s consent merely to relocate with a child from one province to another within South Africa, although section 31, existing court orders, parenting arrangements and the child’s best interests may materially affect the position.
International relocation raises additional guardianship requirements, including consent relating to the child’s departure from South Africa, and court intervention may be necessary where the required consent is withheld.
For the full legal position, see MVA’s guide to Child Relocation in South Africa and When a Parent Moves Away With Your Child.
Where a divorce involves a minor or dependent child, section 6 of the Divorce Act requires the court to be satisfied that the arrangements made or contemplated for the child’s welfare are satisfactory, or are the best that can be effected in the circumstances.
Where a Family Advocate enquiry has been instituted, the court must consider the resulting report and recommendations.
Depending on the dispute, parents may also use a parenting plan or another appropriate child-focused process under the Children’s Act.
Despite your best efforts, a child’s feelings of guilt and anxiety may persist.
Seek professional help promptly if you notice:
Where the circumstances justify it, section 28 of the Children’s Act permits specified persons to apply for the suspension, termination or restriction of a person’s parental responsibilities and rights. The court determines such an application having regard to the statutory considerations and the child’s best interests.
Depending on the child’s needs and local availability, support options may include:
Hearing your child say, “It’s my fault,” can be difficult to hear — but your response can become the foundation of their healing. Your greatest strength lies in consistent, loving reassurance, supported by clear legal and emotional structures.
Remind them often: “This is an adult issue, not your fault. You’re deeply loved by both of us.”
As you move forward, focus on three priorities:
The emotional impact of separation on a child and the legal issues between parents are different, but they can quickly overlap.
Where there is disagreement about a parenting plan, care and contact, parental responsibilities and rights, relocation, or involvement of the Office of the Family Advocate, early legal guidance can help parents understand the available process and keep the child’s best interests central.
Martin Vermaak Attorneys Inc. advises on South African family-law matters involving parenting plans, care and contact, parental responsibilities and rights, relocation, and Family Advocate processes. If a separation is becoming a dispute about the arrangements for a child, speak to an experienced family-law attorney before making significant decisions or agreeing to arrangements you do not fully understand.
For related guidance, see MVA’s articles on Co-Parenting After Separation in South Africa, Helping Children Adjust to Living in Two Homes, and When a Parent Moves Away With Your Child.
Author: Martin Vermaak, B.Proc, LLB
Attorney of the High Court of South Africa | Director, Martin Vermaak Attorneys | Over 20 years’ experience in divorce and family law
Disclaimer
This information has been prepared for general educational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal, financial, tax or other professional advice. South African family law is fact-specific, and the applicable legal position may depend on the circumstances of the individual matter. Readers should obtain independent professional advice appropriate to their circumstances before making legal, financial or other decisions.
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