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Practical, developmentally appropriate ways to support your child through separation or divorce, from toddlers to teenagers
What a child needs during a divorce changes significantly with age — a toddler needs routine and physical reassurance, a preschooler needs simple explanations and reassurance that the divorce is not their fault, a primary-school child needs honesty and stability, and a teenager needs independence balanced with emotional availability.
Across every age, children need to be shielded from adult conflict, never used as messengers, and never made to feel they must choose between their parents.
Where a child shows persistent distress, safety should always come first, and professional or legal support should be considered without delay.
This article provides general information about children’s developmental needs during separation and divorce in South Africa. It does not constitute legal, psychological or medical advice and does not predict the outcome of an individual matter.
As children grow, their understanding of permanence, family, and conflict changes significantly. A toddler cannot grasp the finality of divorce, but a teenager may struggle with loyalty and identity.
Recognising these developmental stages helps parents communicate and offer support effectively.
The American Academy of Pediatrics’s clinical guidance on children and divorce confirms that a child’s reactions are shaped significantly by developmental stage, alongside factors such as temperament, the child’s existing relationship with each parent, and the level of conflict between parents.
This is general pediatric and developmental guidance rather than South African-specific research, but the underlying developmental principles are widely recognised across jurisdictions and inform the age-by-age guidance below.
South African law reflects this same child-centred principle. The Children’s Act 38 of 2005 replaced the older terms “custody” and “access” with care, contact, guardianship, and maintenance, and requires every decision concerning a child to prioritise that child’s best interests.
A parenting plan, as contemplated by section 33 of the Children’s Act, sets out how co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights will exercise those responsibilities — including where the child lives, contact arrangements, schooling and maintenance.
Where section 33(2) applies, the parties must also obtain the assistance or mediation contemplated in section 33(5) when preparing the parenting plan.
Where co-holders are experiencing difficulty exercising their responsibilities and rights, the Act requires them to first attempt to agree a parenting plan before approaching a court.
A parenting plan can be registered with the Family Advocate or made an order of court to make it enforceable.
Considering your child’s age-specific needs when preparing this plan helps ensure it actually supports their wellbeing, rather than existing only as a legal formality.
Before turning to children’s emotional needs at each age, it helps to understand the legal structure supporting them.
Parental responsibilities and rights. Section 18(2) of the Children’s Act identifies four distinct responsibilities and rights a parent may hold: care, contact, guardianship, and the duty to contribute to a child’s maintenance. These continue after divorce — a divorce ends the marriage, not the parenting relationship.
The child’s best interests. Section 7 of the Children’s Act sets out a detailed list of factors relevant to a child’s best interests, including the child’s relationship with each parent, the likely effect of any change in circumstances, the need for stability, and the child’s age and stage of development. Where parents cannot agree, the court applies this framework rather than simply favouring either parent’s preference.
The child’s own views. Section 10 of the Children’s Act gives a child who is of sufficient age, maturity, and stage of development the right to participate appropriately in matters concerning them, with their views receiving due consideration. This does not mean a child decides the outcome — the weight given to those views depends on the child’s age, maturity, and the nature of the decision in question. A clearly reasoned, consistent preference from a mature teenager will generally carry more practical weight than an offhand comment from a young child, but neither is determinative on its own — the child’s view is one part of the best-interests enquiry, not a vote.
The Family Advocate’s role. The Office of the Family Advocate is a neutral institution that can assist parents in reaching agreement, investigate a family’s circumstances where necessary, and make recommendations to a court. It is important to understand what the Family Advocate does not do: it is not appointed as the legal representative of either parent or of the child. Its role is to remain neutral so that the child’s circumstances can be properly and impartially assessed — not to advocate for any party’s position. For a fuller explanation, see MVA’s guide to the Family Advocate in South Africa.
Formalising agreements. Parents may have informal parenting arrangements between themselves. A parenting plan contemplated by sections 33 and 34 of the Children’s Act, however, must be in writing and signed by the parties. Subject to the statutory requirements, it may be registered with the Family Advocate or made an order of court.
If parents cannot agree, the court applies the best-interests framework above their individual preferences. With that legal context in place, here is what children typically need at each developmental stage.
Toddlers thrive on routine and the consistent presence of their caregivers.
While they cannot grasp the concept of divorce, they are highly sensitive to changes in their environment and to their parents’ emotions.
Their reactions are often driven by disruptions to daily routine rather than an understanding of what has changed.
Preschoolers have a slightly better grasp of family structure but still engage in “magical thinking.”
They may believe their own actions or thoughts caused the divorce.
This age group is prone to anxiety and may temporarily regress in behaviour — for example, with toilet training or sleep.
Children in this age group have a deeper understanding of divorce and may experience a real sense of loss.
As their world expands to include school, friends, and activities, they may worry about how the divorce affects these things too.
They are more aware of conflict and may feel caught in the middle.
Teenagers are developing independence, and divorce can feel like a significant disruption to that process.
They may feel angry, resentful, or burdened by having to act more grown-up than they are ready for.
Although they may appear self-sufficient, they still need real emotional support.
Divorce can be especially challenging for neurodivergent children or children with special needs.
Changes in routine, sensory demands from moving between homes, and difficulty processing complex emotions can intensify their distress.
Parents of children with special needs should include detailed care provisions in their parenting plan — therapy schedules, school support arrangements, and medical needs among them.
Collaboration between parents, therapists, educators, and, where appropriate, the Family Advocate, helps ensure a consistent, unified support system centred on the child’s wellbeing.
Children of divorce, regardless of age, often experience a similar range of emotions — anger, sadness, and anxiety are common. A young child may have tantrums; a teenager may withdraw.
The most useful response is compassion and validation, rather than minimisation. Instead of “Don’t be sad,” try: “I can see you’re feeling sad about this, and that’s okay. I’m here for you.”
Validating a child’s emotions without judgement helps them process what they’re feeling in a healthy way.
Most children adjust to a new family structure over time with consistent parental support. Some children struggle more significantly, and it’s important to recognise when additional help is appropriate.
Where there is a concern about abuse, neglect, or domestic violence, this should be reported and addressed immediately. A child’s safety always takes precedence, and a court may order supervised contact or restrict care arrangements where necessary.
Divorce is not a single event but a process of legal, emotional, and practical adjustment. Supporting a child through it takes patience, empathy, and an understanding of both their developmental stage and the legal framework that protects them.
By prioritising clear communication, stability, and a legally sound parenting plan, parents can create a safe and supportive environment for their children through this transition. The end of a marriage does not mean the end of a family — with consistency, compassion, and the right support, children can move through this change feeling loved, secure, and valued.
Martin Vermaak Attorneys Inc. advises on South African family-law matters involving children, including parenting plans, parental responsibilities and rights, Family Advocate processes, primary residence, contact, and disputes concerning existing parenting arrangements.
Where a family is navigating the practical and emotional realities of divorce, obtaining advice early can help ensure the legal arrangements around your children are sound, enforceable, and built around their actual needs.
Author: Martin Vermaak, B.Proc, LLB
Attorney of the High Court of South Africa | Director, Martin Vermaak Attorneys | Over 20 years’ experience in divorce and family law
Disclaimer
This information has been prepared for general educational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal, financial, tax or other professional advice. South African family law is fact-specific, and the applicable legal position may depend on the circumstances of the individual matter. Readers should obtain independent professional advice appropriate to their circumstances before making legal, financial or other decisions.
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