Deciding to Save or End a Marriage
In the quiet moments of the night, when the world is still, many South Africans find themselves grappling with a profound question: Should I fight for my marriage or walk away?
This dilemma transcends age, culture, and socioeconomic status, touching the lives of individuals in Gauteng, KwaZulu-Natal, the Western Cape, and beyond.
Troubled people of both sexes and across a wide age range frequently ask themselves not only that question but also –
Should I stay? Maybe better the devil I know
Will my Spouse become violent if I try to end it?
What will become of me? How will I deal with the future?
What about my relatives, friends and colleagues? How will they judge me?
What will happen to my children? How can I ensure they have the best life?
If you have to ask yourself any of the above questions your marriage is already in trouble if not already over!
Marriage is more than a legal contract; it’s a tapestry woven with shared dreams, challenges, and memories. When that tapestry begins to fray, the emotional toll can be immense:
(Is it my fault? Could I have tried harder?)
(What will become of all of us? How will we support ourselves? How will we be divided?)
(What will everyone think of me? How will they judge me?)
(Maybe my spouse can change. Perhaps we can get a fresh start?)
Recognising these emotions is the first step towards clarity.
While every relationship is unique, certain indicators may suggest deeper issues:
(There must be consistent honest communication)
(signs of being ignored, unheard, cut out, an afterthought, or a nuisance)
(you no longer feel included, you’re ‘missing something’, tell-tale signs you deliberately ignore)
(you feel alienated from the finances, you know things aren’t right, something’s missing)
(Comes out of left field without warning, you feel less than, targeted, ashamed, helpless, you find yourself making up excuses for your Spouse’s abuse of you)
Can This Marriage Be Saved?
Reconciliation is possible when:
Sometimes, ending the marriage may be the healthiest option:
Children are perceptive and can sense tension. While staying together for their sake is a common rationale, a hostile home environment can be more damaging than a peaceful separation. Prioritising their well-being means ensuring they grow up in a nurturing and stable environment.
Often children feel responsible and guilty about the problems, responsible for the breakup, and personally rejected. These children often grow up being caused to take on early responsibility and they forfeit their rights to a proper happy childhood.
There is usually one parent that will verbally lash out at them or emotionally withdraw from them – either way a punishment, just because they are there. They feel targeted or, but either way they are scarred and can ‘act out’ as a result thereof – usually being labelled a problem child.
The other parent might look to them for emotional support, try to turn them into ‘allies’, reward them for information on the other parent, thus setting them up as spies in their own household and contributing to them feeling unsafe with a need to daily earn love and acceptance from that parent, whilst their self-respect is eroded.
All of the above may seem like an argument for reconciliation but this is not the case. It has been proved that children benefit and stabilise in a healthier manner when the parents do divorce instead of remaining trapped in a hostile atmosphere.
It is all about how the reconciliation or divorce is handled by the parents when dealing with the children – no more, no less.
Understanding your rights and responsibilities is crucial:
Consulting with a specialised divorce attorney can provide clarity and direction. They offer:
A great many people – potential divorcees, or victims of domestic violence, etc – are extremely apprehensive about getting legal advice. Over the years, we’ve heard the following reasons:
A fear of being judged – frightened that the Attorney will have a poor opinion of them
A feeling they have no legal standing and a fear of finding out
A misunderstanding of what the Attorney will do about their matter
Confusion that the Attorney has the power to contact their spouse or take the matter further without their permission
A fear that one of the employees of the Attorney might speak of their matter to other people
A fear that if they can’t afford the best Attorney it might result in their matter being mishandled by a CA
A fear of what their family friends or colleagues might say, or a reluctance to go to an Attorney because of negative reports from those sources.
Deciding whether to save or end a marriage is deeply personal. Whatever path you choose, remember that support is available. Prioritise your well-being and seek guidance to navigate this pivotal chapter of your life.
For personalised legal advice and support, consider consulting with a specialised divorce attorney in your region.
© 2026 Martin Vermaak Attorneys. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use Privacy Policy
